By Min Zan
In A world where our teachers often urged us, “If you don’t have anything nice to say, don’t say anything,” the legendary socialite and gossip enthusiast, Alice Roosevelt Longworth, offered a contrasting perspective. Her sofa proudly displayed a needle-pointed pillow bearing the enduring motto, “If you can’t say something good about someone, sit right here by me.”
Gossip, a topic that has long been tinged with disapproval, spans a spectrum from the mean-spirited to the benign. Yet, as we navigate the intricate web of human relationships, it becomes evident that gossip serves both as a guilty pleasure and a social adhesive. Here, let us delve into the multifaceted world of gossip, exploring its motivations, the impact it has on our lives, and the art of distinguishing between constructive chatter and harmful slander. Join us on a journey to straighten the art of gossip, transforming it from scandal to a tool for strengthening social bonds.
Gossip is also a common and often controversial aspect of our society. It refers to the act of discussing other people’s private lives, behaviours, or secrets, especially when they are not present. Gossip can be both positive and negative, and its impact on our social fabric is a topic of debate.
Positive gossip can help build social bonds. When we share positive stories about others, it can strengthen our relationships and create a sense of unity within our communities. Compliments and praise shared through gossip can boost someone’s self-esteem and make them feel valued.
On the other hand, negative gossip can be harmful. It can damage reputations, hurt feelings, and lead to misunderstandings. Spreading false or malicious rumours can destroy trust and create conflicts within families, workplaces, and communities.
In today’s digital age, gossip has taken on a new dimension with social media platforms. Information can spread rapidly, often without verification, leading to online harassment and cyberbullying.
In addition, gossip is a double-edged sword in our society. It can be a tool for building connections and sharing positivity, but it can also be destructive when used negatively. We should be mindful of the impact our words can have on others and strive for a culture of respectful and responsible communication.
People who study gossip define it as any talk about people who are not present. It can be positive, neutral, or negative, but it’s the mean-spirited variety – Alice Longworth, a famous socialite and gossip, whose favourite has traditionally inspired disapproval. For many of us, hearing and telling scandalous stories counts as a guilty pleasure.
And yet, gossip is by no means a black-and-white affair. We naturally need human connection, and gossip feeds that for good and ill. There is even evidence that negative gossip can have merit, as it reinforces social norms. Much depends on the motivation of the gossiper: are they aiming to warn people about a bad actor or enjoying the malicious pleasure of spreading a harmful story? It all comes down to learning how to curb the mean variety while benefiting from the useful.
Why We Gossip
The reasons why people indulge in gossip or shun it are as individual as we are. In 20 years of friendship, I have never heard Lyndsay Green, a sociologist, and author of You Could Live A Long Time: Are You Ready?, dish the dirt on anyone. When I asked her why she never gossips, she traced her behaviour back to her school days – and her sense of security.
“People telling hurtful secrets seem vulnerable,” she says. “They use gossip like a chip in gambling: ‘I’m going to throw this in and I hope you will like me more’.” It’s a tactic that might work to gain connection in the short-term, Green surmises, but even as a kid, she doubted that it built a true friendship.
Still, it’s a tempting habit – and many people can attest there’s something undeniably seductive about being the bearer of scandalous news. For better or worse, a feeling of superiority can accompany having a juicy – and exclusive – piece of news to share. Dishing the dirt can feel fun and it can also bring us together, tightening social bonds. The trick is learning the benign from the bad.
Some Gossip Is Good
Despite its longstanding bad name, the past few decades have seen a surprising appreciation of gossip. Psychologists, sociologists, and experts in organizational behaviour write that even snarkier gossip can be a powerful aid in bonding and social education.
Criticizing those who have transgressed social norms, for example, encourages good conduct and serves as a deterrent to bad behaviour.
Scholars also hypothesize that the informational value of gossip was important for our ancestors: the people who knew what was going on in the next cave were more likely to survive than more isolated individuals.
While it’s not a life-and-death matter today, gossip’s informational function remains useful. Your colleagues’ speculation about the company’s change in leadership or focus can keep employees in the loop. The same goes for potential developments in your communities and neighbourhoods.
Studies have also shown that gossip can alleviate loneliness, serve as a safety valve for frustration, and stimulate the part of our brains that helps us deal with complicated relationships. It even calms down our bodies when it’s used to help others, says Matthew Feinberg, a professor of organizational behaviour at the Rotman School of Management in Canada.
In one study, his subjects observed people cheating at a game. When they simply watched, their heart rates sped up. But when they were able to warn others, their heart rates returned to normal.
Motive Matters
Is your gossip empathetic, compassionate, or appreciative? Or is it something intended to wound or, as Green recognized, to increase your status? John Fraser, a journalist and author, relishes and values gossip. Fraser’s gossiping ticks some familiar boxes: he uses it to bond with people, to inform, to humiliate those he thinks deserve scorn, and to celebrate ‘the human circus’. “Only in very rare circumstances do I believe in secrets,” he says. He likes ‘sharing stuff’, which includes other peoples’ secrets as well as his own.
While Lisa Schmidt, a coach and consultant, believes secrets should be respected, she agrees with Fraser on a key point: “Informational gossip greases the skids of the world.”
If permission is given, sharing sensitive information may even provide an opportunity for compassion. Say you learn that two friends are getting a divorce. Passing on the information may spare your friends the emotional exhaustion of telling everyone themselves. The listener may also respond by reaching out in kindness to one or both members of the couple to assure them of support.
Break The Habit
Delicious as it can be to share gossip, the malicious kind can – and often should – leave a bad taste in your mouth. Pay attention to your conversation. How much of it is sneering, or embroidering a discreditable story to make it even more shameful? Are you knowingly passing on information that is incomplete or incorrect?
When someone approaches her for coaching, Schmidt asks them, “Who do you want to be in the world?” As they work together, she keeps tugging them back to that ideal self. If she notices a client disparaging other people, she’ll hold a mirror to the behaviour and say, “This is the language you’re using. Does that align with the person of integrity you say you want to be?”
Also, try to analyze yourself as a listener. As Schmidt tells her clients, “What you permit, you promote.”
When people regularly come to you with sniping gossip and you allow it, you’re creating a culture that feeds on meanness. You may simply say that you don’t want to engage in that kind of talk. But even a more subtle response works.
Whenever I bad-mouthed someone, I had a friend who reminded me what was good about that person or the difficulties in their life. Without ever commenting directly, she taught me that my gossiping was not going to be reciprocated. So I stopped.
Schmidt acknowledges that we won’t always get it right. But if we keep pulling ourselves back to the person we want to be, it will get easier to chat about people in ways that are still fun, but never mean.
In the ever-evolving landscape of human interaction, gossip has proven itself to be a complex and powerful force, capable of both binding and dividing us. From Alice Roosevelt Longworth’s provocative pillow motto to the intricate web of motives that drive our chatter, it’s clear that gossip’s role in our lives extends far beyond mere scandal. As we conclude this exploration into the art of gossip, let us remember that our words have the potential to elevate us, building bridges of empathy and understanding, or they can drag us into the murky depths of negativity. The choice, it seems, is ours to make. So, in the spirit of forging meaningful connections and nurturing the bonds that enrich our lives, let’s strive to straighten the art of gossip, transforming it from a source of scandal into a potent tool for fortifying the very fabric of our social world.
Reference: Reader’s Digest April 2023
